My heart....

Okay, I started this page for a reason. The reason was to get my emotions out of my head and into writing. Here goes….

Tuesday night I had a complete and udder break down….my husband and I went to see Iron Man 3 for a date night. Before we had left I had been online. I have been looking at support groups for infertility and also for people trying to get pregnant with PCOS. A lot of them have forums where you can ask questions and such, so I though well let’s see how some of these people go about being able to afford adoption and/or fertility treatments. What kind of assistance is out there? Is there any type of funding, especially if your already labeled infertile and your insurance does not cover the cost of anything with that diagnosis. My answers were truly heartbreaking.

There are some states with help and some avenues you may be able to take if your chosen through a non-profit organization, however most of them came back with answers that are just the only way they could start a family.

*Many took out second mortgages on their homes

*Others took out personal bank loans

* Others have saved and saved many times over to try to afford their course of treatment

                * One stated they saved and were on their third try and had their fingers crossed

After reading over these comments I tried not to be discouraged, I tried not to feel defeated, and I really tried to put it out of my mind. I succeed in putting it out of my mind until just after the movie. Adam and I were walking out and he told me how pretty I am. I just smiled and said I don’t see myself the way he does and started to tear up. He made another comment about my shirt, the wind, and yada yada when he realized I had tears streaming down my face. Looking shocked (can’t blame him) he asked me what was wrong and I finally just let it all out.

I told him about my researching over the internet and that I did not think we would ever be able to afford to have children. That with everything I read there is no real help for people in our situation. I do not want to put ourselves in debt to be able to have a child. Infertility processing for us is going to be $1000 a month and a private adoption is $25000 or more. That is almost more than half of what Adam and I make together in a year. Seriously, how are people like us suppose to ever be able to afford any of these possibilities?

We work hard. Yes, we bought a house last year, but does that mean we should take out a second mortgage and put ourselves into more debt to have a chance at a family? We have okay credit that we are working on trying to get perfect. Again, should we have to take out loans to have a family? I wish my body was normal. I wish that it was not the desire of my heart to have children. Why or why do we have to go through all of this to come out possibly empty handed on the other side?

I have been asked about foster to adopt. If only that were as simple as it sounds. I am not saying I have to have a baby. That is not it at all; however, I do not think this is a route I can take.  How many of these children will we have to foster before we are able to adopt just one child? Nothing is ever a guarantee even in a foster to adopt situation. I think this could break my heart more and more each time a child came and I had to give them back. I am still praying about this, but right now I have to say no.

My husband Adam being the wonderful man that he is held me in the car while I sobbed and tried to reassure me that no matter what he is not going anywhere and we will get through this together. I got to say I love him totally, but I feel so guilty at times because he could always have married someone else and not have had any problems with them giving him children. I know he knew the situations before we were married, but it still does not take away that guilty feeling that maybe I should have walked away before it was too late. That is just me though, I feel guilty for a lot of things in life that I could never have changed.

I have also been approached by three wonderful women offering to be surrogates. I totally love each one of these gals and cannot tell them enough how much that means to me. It is so humbling to know there are those out there that love us so much and would do anything to help us. However, again that falls into the fertility part of things and having to fund that mission as well.

At this point I do not know where this leaves us. Adam wants me to not look at all these websites anymore and if I feel the need to then try to only do it once a week. He was so upset to see me so broken hearted. I tried to keep it all bottled up. I tried to get over it. However, this is not something that goes away and I am starting to wonder if it is time to just be happy.

Happy that I am married to a wonderful man, happy that we have a happy home filled with four legged furry children, and happy that the Lord has given me all these wonderful things in my life, plus cherish the time my family and I have together. I am at the point of giving up and walking away with what is left of my heart. I am not sure that I can continue with anything. I would love to be a mother and share with Adam parenting duties, but since this is not something I can make happen then it is up to me to stop wanting it to happen.

I am not sure where this journey leads at this point. I am really just feeling overwhelmed by it all. I want to let go of the hurt I feel for not being a “normal” woman. I want to get over stressing about everything I put in my mouth food wise, did I exercise today, and I ovulating.

Again thank you all for taking the time to listen to my heart. Know that I am still praying about it all and only the Lord knows the true path. Right now all of this is just really hard for me.